


Let Go; We’ve Got You

by Nadja_Lee



Series: Loving Alexander [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland - Freeform, Anal Sex, Buttom Alec Lightwood, Dom Jace Wayland, Dom Magnus Bane, Dom/sub Undertones, Dominating Jace Wayland, Dominating Magnus Bane, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Light Dom/sub, Love, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Praise Kink, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane, Punishment, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Sex, Shy Alec Lightwood, Sub Alec Lightwood, Top Jace Wayland, submissive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:35:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21760240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Magnus and Jace reacts to Alec’s tendency to self-harm after Jace find him injuring himself. Established D/s Magnus/Alec/Jace relationship where Magnus and Jace show Alec how loved and cared for he is.Only Alec/Jace have sex in this story.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Series: Loving Alexander [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568293
Comments: 54
Kudos: 1111





	1. Self-punishment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Herbeloved82](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herbeloved82/gifts), [Polarnacht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my beta for her amazing and quick work as always!  
> Thanks so much to Regina Danica Villa Bibit for the amazing series banner.  
> Chapter warnings: Jace and Alec’s interaction has some clear D/s elements, description of self-harm.  
> I have used my own experiences with cutting for Alec's thoughts on it. However, why people selfharm and how to help heal varies a lot so what's written here will not hold true for all. The attempt is to make it true within the D/s Malace relationship I have described here.  
> Dedicated to Polarnacht who wanted Jace to dominate Alec. The overall universe is dedicated to Herbeloved82 who requested submissive Alec.  
> This is basically the one shot story that has now turned into a series because awesome feedback makes me keep writing…. I am now 100% certain I have a praise kink and 0% self-control!

**Please read the author's notes for chapter warnings**

# Chapter 1: Self-punishment

Jace was feeling happier than he could recall having ever been. It had been almost a month since he had entered into a relationship with Magnus and Alec and he had been surprised at how easy it had been for them all to adapt to it. Well, he had never doubted Magnus would adapt quickly after he had become aware that he had been in polygamy relationships before. Alec, on his part, had loved him since they had first met. Jace had always known this and had honestly been on quite a power trip over this fact. It hadn’t been till Alec had fallen in love with Magnus and Jace had had to accept he was no longer number one in Alec’s life that he had realized how much he truly loved him, wanted him. Therefore, he hadn’t really been worried about either of them when it came to adapting to them being three in this relationship. He had frankly been worried if **he** could do it. He was quite a possessive and dominating lover but somehow sharing Alec with Magnus felt…right and easy. Magnus had a calmness and wisdom to his power that fitted well with Jace’s own more aggressive and emotional power.

“Alec, ready to go home?” Jace said with a smile as he finally found his parabatai in one of the training rooms at the Institute, the room empty except for him.

Alec was in training clothes, sweatpants and a t-shirt, sweating as he was aggressively punching a large bag. It was late afternoon and they had been off duty for about 30 minutes and Jace was eager for them to get home to Magnus. He had never had a real home before and he had found he loved the domestic routines the three of them had found.

However, Jace’s smile quickly faded when he saw the state Alec was in as he reached him. His eyes were glassy, his hair plastered to his face from sweat, his knuckles were bleeding and bruised. He had bruises and cuts all over his arms; at least some of the cuts were clearly from knives. It was difficult to tell if the cuts and bruises were all from combat exercises or he had cut himself. Seeing the intense focus Alec was dedicating to beating the bag, the far away look in his gaze, both scenarios seemed equally likely. Normally he would cover up the cuts he made himself but if he thought they could blend in with other, more ‘acceptable’, injuries, he at times didn’t cover them up, sometimes feeling a need for the world to share in the pain that had made him cut himself to start with.

“Alec!” Jace yelled, his voice sharp and concerned.

Alec kept punching the bag and Jace could now see that it wasn’t just his knuckles which were bruised and bleeding; he had several broken fingers on both hands from the intense punching and likely other training he had put himself through. Alec was so caught up in his own head, his emotional torment, he didn’t even flinch when the broken fingers made contact with the punching bag.

 _Damn!_ Jace swore inwardly. He should have taken better care of Alec but he hadn’t thought something might trigger this….and Alec had over the years become an expert at closing their parabatai connection when he was feeling like this, leaving few ways for Jace to sense if something was wrong.

“Alec, stop!” Jace yelled more strongly but Alec still didn’t seem to really register his presence.

Now within touching distance of his parabatai Jace used his runes, his eyes bright with a yellow light, as he easily pulled Alec’s right hand behind his back and kicked one of his legs away under him, forcing him to fall to his knees with a surprised yelp. Alec instinctively tried to fight to get back up.

“Parabatai, stay down!” Jace hissed in his ear, using a hand in his sweaty hair to pull his head back forcefully. Their eyes met and Alec finally seemed to focus a little on him and he instantly settled down, stopped struggling and relaxed under his grip.

He flushed furiously as he seemed to really see him, see the worry and concern in Jace’s eyes, the pain etched into every line of his face.

“Jace!” Alec exclaimed, his voice somewhere between panic and embarrassment.

“What’s going on here?” Jace questioned, his eyes narrowing in concern and beginning anger at Alec for not having come to him with whatever had caused this before it had gotten this bad.

“I…” Alec started to say, fighting to find the right words, biting his lower lip, his eyes flickering between Jace’s eyes to the floor.

“Stop! I don’t need an explanation. I know what you are doing; you have done it plenty of times when we were growing up. Hurting yourself in various inventive ways to deal with the pain you feel inside,” Jace interrupted grimly, his tone sharp and cutting, shared pain echoing with every word.

Alec blushed even more and stopped biting his lip. The lip was bleeding slightly from where he had bit into it. Jace released his bruising grip in his hair and on his arm and walked around him so he could face him. He reached out and ran a finger over the cut in Alec’s lip before he gave him a dark look, frowning.

“I…I’m sorry, parabatai,” Alec said softly, lowering his eyes to the ground.

“So you **do** know why I’m angry with you?” Jace asked with barely controlled anger, his rage hiding his worry and concern, as he stopped touching Alec’s lip.

Ever since Max’s rune ceremony where Alec had almost jumped of the balcony, killing himself, from feelings of guilt and inadequacy, Jace had known it was paramount that Alec developed better ways of dealing with his pain then self-harm, fearing it could well one day lead to his death if not something changed. He now had the opening he had wanted to try and start to steer Alec towards such a better path and away from self-destruction. He was determined not to fuck that up but to do whatever was needed to help his parabatai.

“Yes, parabatai,” Alec admitted miserably, averting his eyes.

“Why?” Jace asked, giving him a piercing look.

Alec squirmed a little under the gaze but tried to stay still, not wanting to get into even more trouble.

“Because…I hurt myself,” Alec said in a small voice that was barely auditable yet still seemed to echo in the room.

Jace wasn’t sure Alec had ever admitted that out loud before and a part of him was proud of Alec for admitting it but they needed more than that to change Alec’s years old habits.

Jace sighed and took a small step back from him. Alec looked up at him, a look of pain and guilt in his eyes.

“Get up,” Jace ordered coolly.

Alec quickly obeyed, standing at attention, his hands behind his back. He winced slightly at the pain when he in his haste to obey forgot about his broken fingers when he locked a hand around his right wrist. Alec kept his eyes to the floor but stole a look at Jace once in a while, finding the silent fury alarming and unsettling. He didn’t think Jace had ever been this upset with him and he found it really disconcerting; he didn’t want Jace to be upset with him but he hadn’t thought of that when he had hurt himself. Would he consider it next time he felt like hurting himself? Maybe…though if he was deadly honest with himself then likely not though. When first his heart and his soul hurt as much as he had today only physical pain could help release it. The sight of his own blood, seeing the bloody lines on his skin, was oddly calming and therapeutic, helping to settle the loud and angry voices inside his head.

After thinking what to do next for a few seconds, Jace pulled out his cell phone and dialed one of three numbers he had on speed dial; Magnus. The other two numbers belonging to Alec and Izzy.

“Magnus, it’s me. Yes. Can you make a portal to training room D at the Institute?” Jace asked into the phone, his voice tense. “I’m alright but Alec and I have some outstanding business,” Jace reassured him when Magnus picked up on the tension in his voice. “Can you have him wait for me at home? I will walk home, clear my head.”

Alec winced and almost felt like crying at hearing that. He had really fucked up.

“Jace…” Alec started softly, reaching a hesitant hand out towards him.

Jace raised a hand at him to stop him from touching him, his eyes filled with steel and hurt. “No. Not a word.”

Alec fell silent at once, his hand dropping back to his side. A portal appeared before them and Alec looked from it to Jace, waiting for permission, not wanting to make matters worse.

“Go ahead. I will be there shortly,” Jace said hoarsely, his hands forming fists at his side as he fought to control his emotions when he noticed Alec’s pants and t-shirt had small drops of his own blood on them, evidence of what he had done to himself.

“I…I’m sorry,” Alec said miserably, hanging his head in defeat as he walked towards the portal.

“I know. Go home and wait for me,” Jace ordered but his voice was a bit softer now. Seeing Alec’s truly devastated look he added, “I still love you, Alec, I always will. I’m just…disappointed.”

Alec visibly cringed. That was worse. He lowered his eyes to the floor so Jace wouldn’t see the tears at the edges of his eyes as he stepped through the portal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is treasured, loved, and worshipped so feed the starving author. It's Christmas after all (almost). ;)


	2. Magnus and Jace talk about Alec

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Jace talk about Alec and how they can help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great thanks to my beta for quick and amazing work as always!  
> Chapter warnings: Talk of childhood abuse and self-harm, talk of discipline and punishment  
> I feel I should apologize if any readers are here for the sex; there will be sex in chapter 3 but this is a heavy story. If you want lighter stories maybe go to the next one in the series instead. :)

**Please read the author's notes for chapter warnings**

**Chapter 2: Magnus and Jace talk about Alec**

When Jace arrived back at the flat, everything was quiet. He found Magnus in the living room with a glass of whiskey in his hand.

“Whiskey?” Jace questioned with a raised eyebrow. Magnus in general drank cocktails when they were not eating and wine with food; in particular champagne which he claimed matched any food quite well.

Magnus nodded grimly as he took another sip. “Seeing the state Alexander was in I felt it was a whiskey kind of moment.”

“Yeah,” Jace agreed, noticing the pain in Magnus’ voice and eyes. He looked around but didn’t see Alec. His anxiety, worry and anger at what Alec had done to himself returned and he asked, “Where is he?”

“He’s in my study,” Magnus started to say and Jace was already halfway across the room to go to the study, the door on the opposite side of the living room leading there, before Magnus had finished talking.

“Wait,” Magnus added, his voice having enough command and power even though it was low and calm to make Jace freeze and turn around to face him.

“Why?” he asked puzzled. “I need to see him.”

“No, you don’t,” Magnus said calmly, shaking his head at him. “Not in the state of mind you are in right now at least.”

Jace gave him an annoyed look. “I can’t leave him alone when he’s like this.” He didn’t need to add that he was afraid Alec might try and find something in Magnus’ office to harm himself further.

“He’s kneeling by my desk; I have used magic to help him into a light trance. He’s fine,” Magnus assured him.

Jace relaxed a little at hearing that. “I still need to see him,” he repeated.

“I know and you will but this isn’t about you,” Magnus said matter of fact but his tone was strong. With a snap of his fingers he made a glass of whiskey appear in Jace’s right hand as he took a sip of his own. Feeling he needed the alcohol Jace almost emptied it in one go. Magnus refilled his glass with a wave of his hand.

“We need to talk. Sit down,” Magnus said matter of fact and waved a hand at the sofa next to the chair he was sitting in, indicating Jace should sit down. Jace raised an eyebrow at him, making it clear he wanted to see Alec and not sit and talk.

“Please,” Magnus added pointedly and Jace reluctantly sat down next to him but kept glancing towards the door to the study.

“What do you want to talk about?” Jace got out, though he had a good idea. Alec would have to have been in a very dark place to do this and the idea he had been in such pain and he hadn’t noticed was tearing him up inside and the pain in Magnus’ eyes told him that Magnus felt the same.

Magnus studied him intensely. “How are you feeling?”

“Me?” Jace asked surprised. “I am not the one who has been hurting myself.”

“No, but you were the one to find him this time,” Magnus reminded him gently. “How do you feel about that?”

Jace sighed as he took another sip of his whiskey. “I feel terrible,” he admitted.

“Why?” Magnus asked, his voice even and without judgement.

“Because…” Jace paused, trying to think about it. “I guess because I thought he was happy. With me, with you, with us.” He laughed darkly. “I guess not.”

“I am certain he is happy with us, more happy than he has ever been,” Magnus correctly him as he also took a sip of his drink.

“Then why hurt himself?” Jace asked confused.

“Because this is not about you or me. This is about how he feels inside,” Magnus clarified. At Jace’s puzzled look he elaborated, “He has done this before, right?”

Jace nodded. “Yes, a lot. Ever since I came to live with the Lightwoods he has done this.”

Magnus had expected as much, having gotten a little insight into Alec’s past and tendency to self-harm almost from the moment he had first met him, starting with Alec refusing to let him heal the wound from the Forsaken who had attacked him.

“When Alec grew up, did he get any praise?” Magnus asked thoughtfully, almost thinking out loud.

Jace shook his head. “No. His parents were of the belief that not saying anything negative equaled they were satisfied.”

“Which is why he needs praise from us so much,” Magnus said what they were both thinking.

“But we **do** praise him. Why hurt himself then?” Jace repeated, pain in his voice and eyes.

“How was his parents otherwise?” Magnus asked and Jace could tell he was going somewhere with this but didn’t understand what but was willing to play along for now.

“Well…distant, cold,” Jace replied, his voice thoughtful, remembering back to how things had been with the Lightwoods. Of course for him living with the Lightwoods had been a dream come true; not so much for Alec.

“Did they punish him for failing?” Magnus asked with a tone of voice that made it clear he knew the answer but still wanted a reply.

“Yes. They ensured his instructors would be equally strict. They wanted him to be the best; they expected nothing less than perfection,” Jace explained.

“How did they punish him?” Magnus questioned, sympathy and pain for what Alec had suffered through during his childhood so clear in his voice and eyes it was almost tangible things in the room.

Jace thought back, recalling the instances that stood out most to him. “His father sometimes beat him with a belt, a whip or a stick if he failed, on his back or his hands...sometimes breaking his fingers doing so,” Jace added, his eyes widening at bit as he suddenly realized that Alec had repeated his childhood punishment today by breaking his own fingers.

Rage ran through Jace hot as lava at the thought and he had a strong urge to murder Robert. He briefly wondered if hitting the hands and breaking fingers was a Shadowhunter thing; Valentine had done that to him as well. As he thought it also came the thought that he had never felt any desire to harm himself or repeat such horrible punishment; feeling it back then had been more than enough. What in the world had they done to his parabatai? Moreover, why hadn’t he noticed before now how much they had taken from him, how badly they had managed to fuck with his head?

“And his mother?” Magnus asked, forcing Jace’s thoughts back to the conversation.

“She never hurt him herself. Her words were more brutal than any demon though,” Jace admitted with a wince. That woman could spur pure fire. “She did, when he was older, use the agony rune on him a few times,” Jace recalled with a pained breath.

At Magnus’s horrified look Jace added as reassuringly as he could, “It lasted only around ten minutes each time.”

He wasn’t sure why he had added that; maybe because that had been the only thing that had helped him back then, the knowledge that it would be brief.

“Did she ever have him draw and activate the rune himself?” Magnus asked thoughtfully, putting the pieces together in his mind.

Jace was thoughtful for a moment. “Yes, when he got older.”

That part had always annoyed Jace. He had tried to convince Alec he just needed to draw the rune but didn’t need to activate it when he had been ordered to do so; claiming furiously that no one would know and adding that he would cover for him. However, Alec had activated it every damn time he had been told to.

“And how were they with you and Isabelle?”

“Me?” Jace repeated, surprised, and Magnus nodded. “They loved me.”

“Why?” Magnus questioned and Jace threw him a trademark arrogant smirk. Magnus smiled a little before adding, “Besides your good looks, dear.”

Jace allowed his facade to fall; Magnus could see through him anyway. “Well, because I was the best warrior, the best Shadowhunter of my generation,” he said matter of fact.

“Better than Alexander?” Magnus probed with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes but I have pure Angel blood; even before I knew this it would not have been a fair competition,” Jace protested.

“But no one ever told Alexander that. He never felt that,” Magnus reminded him.

“Hmm…I guess not.” Jace paused before answering Magnus’ earlier question, “About Izzy then sure, they were demanding on her but she was the apple of her father’s eye. I would say the worst for her was that her mother never thought she was a proper lady, but I think the love from her father was what enabled her to become so confident and go her own ways.”

“So…” Magnus said slowly, emptying his glass before continuing, “Alexander grew up without any praise, without any caress, only being told when he did wrong or that he wasn’t good enough and was taught that failure meant punishment, physical punishment.”

Jace nodded, grimacing at how horrible that actually sounded when said aloud, “I guess.”

Magnus was silent for a few seconds, magically refilling his glass and playing with it in his hands. Then he turned to look at Jace and asked evenly, “So why would you be surprised he seeks punishment today if he felt he had failed?”

Jace frowned. “Because we are here now. He doesn’t need to do that any longer,” he protested.

Magnus was thoughtful for a moment before asking, “If I asked you how you feel about what Valentine did to you what would you say?”

Jace’s eyes narrowed and his hatred was reflected in every line of his face. “I would say the man is a cruel bastard who deserve to burn in Edom for eternity and I would love to bring him there!” he said sharply, his voice filled with hate and contempt.

Magnus nodded, having expected the answer. “And what would Alec say about his parents?”

“Well…” Jace paused. “He loves them.”

“Precisely. And would he say he loves them **even though** they wronged him?” Magnus went on.

Jace frowned. “No, No.” He was thoughtful for a moment. “In fact, I think he honestly believes he deserved to be punished then for not being good enough just as he feels it now.”

“So, Alexander turns his pain inward and you turn your pain outward,” Magnus said, before elaborating when Jace indicated with a hand movement he wanted him to explain further, “You know what was done to you growing up was wrong. You do not feel at fault, you know who and what you are, you rest in yourself. You direct your hatred, your frustration at what was done to you outward; at Valentine, at the world. Alexander does the opposite. He directs all that pain and hurt inward; he blames himself for everything, he shoulders the responsibility for everything. He has no self-preservation instinct but a huge need and desire to save everyone else.”

“And that’s why he hurts himself?” Jace said slowly, trying to understand.

“Partly. I think it's to be able to deal with the pain inside, to be able to survive the pain he feels inside…and to get the punishment he by now has become conditioned to,” Magnus finished his clarification.

They sat in silence for a while before Jace admitted in a small voice, “I just really want to save him….also from himself.”

Magnus leaned over and laid a comforting hand on his knee, squeezing for a moment before pulling back.

“I know. So do I,” Magnus admitted, his face for a moment showing how devastated he felt at seeing his boyfriend in so much pain.

“But this is not about what we need. It is about what Alexander needs,” Magnus added with the air of wisdom and perspective Jace had come to expect from him.

Jace looked down into his drink for a while. “So…what do we do now?”

“Well, there are two aspects of this,” Magnus said slowly. “One, you interrupted him so he will not have found the escape from his thoughts he needs to find in pain, and two, he will need to know he can’t punish himself again.”

Jace added grimly. “No, of course he can’t.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Magnus said sharply. “He still needs this but we need him to know that what he need, we can provide. Also this.”

“What? Pain?” Jace asked with a pained wince.

Magnus nodded grimly. “Yes. This is about what he needs; not what we need,” he reminded him again.

“I…” Jace hesitated, unsure what to say.

“What? You thought this relationship would just be about having amazing dominating sex with Alexander?” Magnus asked with a raised eyebrow, a hint of humor in the reprimand to lighten the mood.

Jace frowned. “I…I didn’t think about it,” he admitted, blushing a bit in shame. Of course he should have thought about it. He had just been so happy at how well everything had fitted together.

“Jace,” Magnus said seriously, his voice strong but reflecting sympathy and pain for his lover as he spoke, “Alexander has suffered a lot in his soul, in his mind. He is fractured, fragile. He finds safety and security within the dominance we bring him, in and outside the bedroom. He feels certain of our love because of it; reassured that he is not doing anything wrong. However, with such complete surrender and trust also comes obligations.”

“Like…bringing him pain?” Jace asked softly with a pained air.

Magnus nodded. “When he needs that; then yes.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “It is our duty and our privilege to care for him in all ways; also this. We can ensure we give him what he needs in the safest way, we can be there for him afterwards and we can ensure whatever pain we bring him harm him as little as possible while calming the storm he feels inside.”

Jace nodded his understanding and his commitment to doing just that; taking care of his parabatai in any and all ways he needed. He looked down into his drink for a while before taking another sip.

Then he asked softly, hopefully, “Do you think he will ever stop needing it?”

Magnus shrugged and said honestly, “I don’t know. I hope maybe in time he won’t but it would take a long time; the pain he has suffered and to this day feel within himself is strong.”

Jace hesitated but then asked quietly, not looking at Magnus when he spoke, “And you couldn’t…”

“What? Make that need go away? Make the pain go away?” Magnus asked softly, guessing his thoughts for at times they had come to him as well.

Jace nodded, looking at him almost pleadingly. “Yes.”

“I could but then a part of Alexander would disappear too,” Magnus replied regretfully.

Magnus paused before he added, his voice soft, “You don’t need to understand why he needs this, you just need to be able to accept it and love all parts of him, also the bits he will tell you are broken.”

“I will. I do,” Jace assured him. He took another sip of his drink before he added quietly, “I guess it’s just because…well, my childhood wasn’t precisely easy either and you told me about what happened to your mum and stepdad so…”

Magnus smiled kindly, remembered pain in his eyes. “I will always remember and it will always be painful but time really does heal all wounds,” he paused as he took a sip of his drink. “I remember but I am over it.”

“But Alec is not,” Jace said matter of fact, his voice dark and grim.

“Jace, this is not a competition. You can’t count the amount of hurtful words or beatings you took and use that to understand why someone breaks and others do not,” Magnus reminded him, not unkindly. “Alexander is a very empathic and thoughtful person; he considers other people’s feelings and opinions a lot. Often too much.” He gave Jace a wry smile. “I doubt you suffer from a similar affliction.”

Jace smiled a little at that as he shook his head. “Not really, no.”

“Besides…as you mentioned then you got praised almost continuously since you came to live with the Lightwoods by them and everyone else in Idris for being the best while Alexander experienced the opposite. Moreover, you were never gay, having to grow up being told such feelings were wrong and forbidden. You never had to struggle with the feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness those combined experiences would bring,” Magnus reminded him.

“I understand….a little I think,” Jace admitted after a few minutes of reflection. “Do you…do you think he wants to…” He began softly, agonized, fear in his voice and eyes.

“What? Kill himself?” Magnus asked and Jace nodded, wincing at hearing his fears spoken out loud.

“No. In fact I think he does this to feel alive, to be able to be alive,” Magnus replied, pausing before adding, “I do think removing this coping mechanism from him without anything replacing it can be dangerous. If he has no outlet for the pain inside it could become too much and….” His voice died out, fear and pain now clear in his voice too.

“And he might finish what he started up on your balcony at Max’s rune ceremony,” Jace finished for him in a dark and pained tone. Seeing Alec there at the ledge, seeing him jump to his death…it had been the worst moment of his life. If not for Magnus and his magic, his parabatai would be dead today. 

Magnus nodded grimly, “Yes.”

Jace took a deep breath after taking another sip of his drink. “I know what I have to do now. I will help him, also with this,” he reassured Magnus with a strong and sure gaze.

Magnus smiled at him, proud and happy at hearing his reply.

After a few moments of silence Magnus said, “I didn’t heal his injuries. I think that should be for later.”

Magnus had wanted to heal him so badly, hating to see Alec in pain, but if he had done that Alec wouldn’t have learned anything and they would just be right back here and that would be worse. Like Jace then Magnus was fearful for Alec’s mental health and life in general if he didn’t get a better outlet for his feelings than self-harm and self-punishment to the degree he was doing now.

“I agree.” Jace said as he finished the whiskey, his voice strong. “I will deal with this.”

“Are you sure?” Magnus asked concerned, putting a comforting hand on his arm while refilling his drink a wave of his other hand. “I can do it.”

“No. I found him. I will do it,” Jace insisted and took a deep breath. “Besides, ever since I came to live with the Lightwoods I have had to just watch as he got punished or inflicted pain upon himself. I can finally do something about it; help him do this in a safer way,” Jace said intensely.

“Okay, I understand,” Magnus said with a nod, removing his hand from his arm.

Jace smiled. “Thanks.”

Magnus did a hand movement and a small glass vial with a green liquid in it appeared in his hand.

“Here,” Magnus said, handing it to Jace.

“What is it?” Jace asked curiously as he took the small vial.

“It’s a potion which will be in effect for 20 minutes after digesting it. If you give it to Alexander it will reinforce the pain from all his self-inflected broken bones, cuts and bruises. If you touch him, if anything touches him at all, even a feather, while it is in effect in his body it will leave a burning and stinging sensation that is manageable but painful enough to require ones full attention; even from someone with the level of pain threshold a trained soldier like Alexander has,” Magnus explained matter of fact. Knowing they were doing this to help Alec made it easy for him to talk about this. No one were allowed to harm the man he loved more than life itself; not even Alec himself. Whatever he needed he would provide; Jace and him.

“Why…?” Jace asked confused, looking at the vial as if it held the answers.

“You told me how Valentine beat you as a child. I assumed you might be hesitant with corporal punishment,” Magnus explained with the kind of concern and insight Jace had come to expect from him.

Jace smiled his thanks but still felt the need to clarify, “I would have been able to do it.”

“I know,” Magnus assured him. “But now you don’t need to.”

Jace took another sip of his drink before looking Magnus in the eyes. “Have you done it?”

“Punished Alexander or given him pain as a way to deal with the pain inside?” Magnus questioned.

“Both, I guess.”

“I have only had to do it twice before you entered our relationship. Once was because he was reckless during a mission and almost died and another was right after Clarissa’s mother was killed and he blamed himself for being possessed and wouldn’t stop hurting himself in ever more inventive ways as self-punishment.”

“And it helped?” Jace asked hopefully.

Magnus smiled at that. “Yes. No problems since then.”

“Until now,” Jace reminded him grimly.

“It is his default coping mechanism so that’s to be expected. He feels he needs to be punished for his mistakes and sometimes he need the pain to make the hurt inside become manageable again. The point today is to give him the pain he needs to calm the storm inside his soul while trying to teach him to come to one of us for that in the future. In that way we would be able to ensure it is done under controlled circumstances and at once so he won’t be a danger to himself and it won’t be dragged out, getting progressively worse,” Magnus reminded calmly but worry for Alec was clear in his eyes.

Jace nodded, a serious look on his face. “Agreed.”

Magnus gave him a curious look. “Do you know what brought this on today?”

“I’m not sure,” Jace admitted. “I know he had a review with the Clave. My guess is that they weren’t particularly nice about how he runs the Institute.”

“That’s not because of him or his leadership qualities. It’s because they don’t like his new policies of equality with Downworlders,” Magnus said with certainty.

“We know that but Alec…You know how he is,” Jace said with a sigh.

“Yes, he blames himself.”

Jace nodded and took another large sip of his drink. “Yeah. Alec is…” Jace tried to find the right words. “He’s sensitive, empathic. He overthinks things and takes everything to heart. We both suffered physical and mental beatings growing up but Alec felt like he deserved it. Like he wasn’t good enough. A part of him still feels that.”

“And you?” Magnus asked with a hint of concern though he was calmed by what Jace had told him earlier, lessening his worry.

Jace smiled darkly. “I never felt I wasn’t good enough. I endured that bastard while I had to but he never got into my soul.” He paused, reflecting as he took a sip of his drink. “The influence his teachings had on me is likely mostly in my own need for control,” he added honestly.

“Well, I am glad you came out of it as alright as one ever can,” Magnus said with a warm and affectionate smile before he leant over and planted a soft and feather light kiss to Jace’s lips in support and comfort.

After Magnus had pulled back they sat a few seconds in silence before Jace asked, “Did you remind him of his out?”

He wanted to be certain Alec was aware whatever was going to happen now was done out of concern and love; not anger or vindictiveness and above all; this should be Alec’s choice.

“He is not likely to forget the traffic light system but yes, I reminded him,” Magnus assured him with a calming smile, sensing Jace’s tension.

Magnus couldn’t blame him, after finding Alec in such a state. When Alec and Magnus had first gotten together and Magnus had become aware that Alec wanted and needed him to take a more commanding role in their relationship in order for him to feel loved and wanted, Magnus had introduced Alec to the traffic light system. At any time Alec could say red and everything would stop, yellow meant slow down and green was good to go. They had rarely had to use it, mainly because Magnus was very good at reading Alec’s none verbal signals and his unspoken needs and wants and so, had it turned out, was Jace.

Jace smiled at him in thanks for his words and support before he finished his whiskey. He put the glass on the coffee table in front of him and rose. “Ok, I will get this over with.”

“Jace?” Magnus called after him as he walked towards the door to the study.

Jace turned around to face him. “Yes?”

“This is about Alexander. It is not about you. Remember that,” Magnus said evenly, their eyes meeting.

Jace nodded. “I know.”

Jace turned back around and crossed the rest of the distance to the door to the study. He laid a hand on the handle before feeling the need to turn back to face Magnus who was still sitting calmly in the chair, whiskey in hand, reminding him of a King.

Jace gave him a grateful smile as he said, “Thank you.”

“No need. We both love him,” Magnus assured him with a smile in return. He paused before he added with a voice filled with love and affection, “I love you too.”

Jace smiled happily at that, “Likewise,” he said with the same fondness and warmth. They might not be physically intimate but the love between them had quickly developed and Jace now considered him family.

“He will need to feel you close afterwards. I will arrange a comfortable spot on the sofa,” Magnus said matter of fact, focusing now on the healing that would come after this.

Jace nodded his thanks before reminding him, “You should join too. You know how he gets.”

“Yes, of course,” Magnus assured him, having never thought for a moment to abandon Alec when he needed him. “I will heal his injuries when you come back,” he said unnecessarily, more to remind them both why they were doing this than anything else: to heal Alec; help his soul and heart to heal first and then his body too. 

“Thanks,” Jace said unnecessarily.

Magnus just nodded at that before he did a movement with his hand and lifted the spell he had put on Alec. “I have removed the spell now,” he told him.

Jace nodded, taking a deep breath to steady himself before he opened the door to the study.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was emotionally draining for me to write on a personal level. This might not fit 100% with what everyone feels or has gone through and it is not meant to; self-harm is a personal thing, difficult to explain. I have used my own experiences with it as a starting point and gone from there. Hope you feel I did it justice.  
> Feedback is worshipped...don't you want to be worshipped? ;)


	3. So you can remember my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets what he needs to feel better and to feel loved and safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my beta for great work.  
> Chapter warnings: Punishment, self-harm but administered by someone else, rough sex, D/s elements, after-care, some fluff.

**Chapter 3: So you can remember my love**

Alec was kneeling on the floor in front of Magnus’ desk in the study, his hands in his lap, his head bowed. He tensed when he heard the door open and close but didn’t look up. Jace walked over to him, so close his boots were almost touching Alec’s knees. He was still wearing his sweaty and blood stained training gear but no shoes or socks, his arms still showing the clear signs of his self-harm. The scene had Jace fighting to keep his heart from breaking at how vulnerable Alec looked at this moment. However, Alec didn’t want or need his heartbreak; he needed to know he could count on him, that he could and should go to him instead of doing this. 

Holding the green vial in one hand Jace used all the training Valentine had given him to operate controlled and calculated. He fisted Alec’s hair and pulled his head back forcefully but neither punishing nor gently; something more neutral in between. Alec easily allowed the firm grip, wincing slightly as he looked up at him as he remembered how he had failed Magnus and him. His eyes seemed a bit more focused then when he had been training but still had an edge – an unspoken fear, unspoken need, a pain that went deeper than the wounds he had inflected.

Jace simply looked down at him, his gaze piercing and Alec almost couldn’t take it any longer, his mouth moving but forming no words, fighting to stay silent, not wanting to make things worse.

Alec’s head had become alive again after Magnus’ spell had worn off with voices, screaming at him, memories of past failures replying at the back of his mind. The taste and sting of failure, of disappointment, was alive on his tongue and in his brain, his memories and fears banding against him to mock him and drive him to the edge. It was so loud inside his mind and getting louder, voices yelling at him, fueling his self-hate and his self-doubt. He was starting to spiral faster and faster.

“Are you still hurting inside? Do you still need something to deal with it?” Jace asked calmly, his eyes searching his face for answers. Alex's eyes were starting to hold a wild look, his body tense and his hands now fists in his lap. Jace knew the answer but needed to hear it.

“Need something?” Alec questioned softly with a hint of confusion. Surely Jace couldn’t mean…he didn’t think Jace would understand. Jace was strong; he would never try and hurt himself. He blushed at the memory of how Jace had found him earlier. Surely Jace thought him weak for doing this, for needing this to deal with the pain he felt inside.

“Pain. To let go. To feel better inside,” Jace said matter of fact and Alec was puzzled at the lack of judgement in his voice. He was just stating a fact.

He considered lying, thinking Jace couldn’t possibly understand but Jace tightened his hold in his hair enough to tell him he was serious.

“Do **not** lie to me,” Jace warned.

“Yes,” Alec admitted softly, lowering his eyes to the floor. It was like a fire inside his soul, an itch he couldn’t reach. The voices were getting louder, the need becoming almost tangible. He needed something to distract himself. The voices was getting so loud he started to get an urge to slam his head into the nearest wall to silent them. 

“Drink this,” Jace said evenly, his emotions tightly under control as he held out the green vial as he released his grip on his hair.

Alec eagerly obeyed, happy at having something single-minded to do, grateful for not having to think about it, taking the vial with the hand that had the least broken fingers; two to be precise. Despite that, he still winced slightly when he closed his hand around the vial as flames of agony shot through him from his fingers and up his arm. He quickly drank the content before handing it back to Jace who took it before throwing it over his shoulder with such ferocity Alec grimaced; he had really hurt Jace and that was just not alright.

For a moment they simply looked at each other before Alec hissed sharply as all his self-inflected injuries started to throb painfully. The pain was manageable but enough to draw tears to the corners of his eyes and make him fight for breath. He almost smiled, almost sighed in relief. It was starting to make the voices quieter, his brain being forced to focus on the outside pain and abandon the mental anguish it had been replaying in his mind’s eye.

“Better?” Jace asked softly, his voice and eyes still devoid of emotions but his gaze was intense, checking Alec's face, his eyes and his body for any sighs of possible distress.

Alec nodded. The pain was persistent and everywhere, just the right amount to help silence the voices inside little by little.

“A little,” he admitted, fighting to keep the pain out of his voice and instead let his relief shine through. He closed his eyes for a moment and focused only on the outward pain. It was helping, slowly. His lips curved in a small smile. Finally, for the first time all day his mind, heart and spirit were slowly starting to feel better, lighter....the voices and memories of every past mistake he had ever made was finally, ever so slowly, starting to fade. 

Jace nodded grimly.

“Tell me…Do you think you deserve to be punished today for something?” Jace asked him calmly as he looked down at him.

“I…I hurt myself,” Alec got out through clashed teeth. He tried not to bite his lip again, knowing that was precisely what he wasn’t supposed to do but he couldn’t help it. He tried again to distract himself from the pain he felt inside by adding more pain that was physical.

“Stop that!” Jace ordered sharply, something between anger and almost panic in his voice, taking Alec’s chin in a bruising grip, his eyes on his abused lip. Alec instantly stopped, blushing and looking down, his lip now bleeding slightly.

“Sorry, parabatai,” Alec got out, his voice agonized. Jace’s hands felt like fire where he was touching him and he had to fight to remain still yet the touch helped to ground him, a combination of the pain and having Jace’s hands on him made him try and lean into the touch all the same.

“Something happened and you needed this release. I understand that now. There's nothing wrong with that. So, what **did** you do wrong today?” Jace questioned, his tone dark and filled with a edge of disappointment that hurt Alec worse than the pain he felt inside.

“I…” Alec fought to breathe, Jace’s grip was still bruising, fire around his jaw, his fingers felt like they were being broken all over again and all his cuts, bruises, aches and pains hurt with an intensity that almost seemed to mock him considering he had made them all appear himself. Finally, though, his mind was slowly starting to become quieter, more manageable.

“Tell me,” Jace commanded, his voice loud and harsh, his grip tightening even more.

“I…I should have told you and Magnus what I needed,” Alec admitted softly, his eyes lowered to the floor, fighting to speak though the haze in his brain. The pain was becoming more bearable and manageable as he got used to it and the voices was starting to slow down. It was better when he didn’t speak; then he just had to focus on the pain and breathing. Easy, simple. 

“And why is that?” Jace demanded.

“Because you take care of me. Because my pleasure or pain is only yours to give,” Alec whispered softly, blushing, looking down. He had let Jace down, let Magnus down….he had really fucked up. His heart hurt worse than the voices in his head or the pain in his body from knowing this.

“Precisely,” Jace said in approval as he released his hold on his chin and Alec drew a relieved breath at hearing his praise.

Jace went over to a chair on the opposite side of the study and picked up a blanket. He laid it on the floor next to Alec, giving him a piercing look.

“The potion will last…” Jace looked at the clock on the wall, “around another 15 minutes. The potion means every touch or cut on your skin will be intensified,” he explained evenly. He nodded towards the blanket on the floor as he fisted Alec’s hair, forcing his head back so he was forced to look up at him. He did so with wide and desperate eyes, eager to please, eager to get this right, to get forgiveness.

“Regarding the punishment you seek for not coming to Magnus and I with this…You can wrap yourself up in the blanket and endure the remaining 15 minutes kneeling on the floor like that. If you choose to do so we will consider the matter closed and forgiven,” Jace offered evenly and he could see how his words made Alec’s eyes shine with renewed life, hope and light.

Alec smiled at Jace, grateful for him not giving him a choice, not just claiming the matter forgiven as Alec would never believe it. He was grateful for Jace understanding he needed to make amends and picking a perfect way for him to do so. Jace seemed to know what he needed without him saying it. From Jace’s strong grip on his chin and the sting he had felt at that touch he knew having the blanket around himself would sting, a lot, but it would be doable; he wanted, he needed, this to feel loved, like someone cared, to know he was forgiven.

Alec gave Jace a look of thanks and love as he picked up the blanket, wincing slightly as the touch on his fingertips and the broken fingers when he did so; holding the blanket felt a bit like someone had smacked his handwhere he touched it. He hissed in surprise at the initial sting, almost like a bee sting, when he first wrapped the blanket around himself but then managed to control it a bit more. The pain faded to become more of a constant ache, breathing through it, when he got used to it, focusing on looking at a spot on the floor, willing the minutes to pass. He closed his eyes, focusing only on breathing, on feeling the outward aching. Slowly, as the minutes went by, the pain inside faded more and more, forgotten in the face of his single-minded focus on the outward discomfort. Little by little the tension was leaving his body and his lips curved upwards in acknowledgement of the escape from the Hell inside his own mind. 

Jace looked at Alec with an unreadable expression and went to sit in a chair opposite him, watching him carefully to ensure he was alright during what was both his release from his internal torment and his punishment for starting this alone.

To Jace’s relief Alec seemed almost to have a look of…tranquility, focused on breathing, focused on letting one minute pass after the next. Five minutes before time was up Jace went to find a bottle of water from a drawer in Magnus’ desk and put it next to him so he was ready as soon as the 15 minutes were up.

The 15 minutes felt like forever to Jace though from Alec’s far away look he had a feeling Alec was not really registering the passing of time. Jace made sure he gave no outward sign of his eagerness for time to pass.

As soon as time was up the constant ache in his body disappeared and Alec looked up with a look of surprise, looking dazed, like he had just awaken from a deep sleep. He gave a sigh of relief as his body relaxed, the voices in his head finally quiet again, the agony inside finally lessened.

“It’s alright, parabatai. You did so well,” Jace said smoothly, his voice warm and loving, as he was by Alec's side the minute time was up and pulling him into a warm and loving embrace, the blanket now feeling like a comfort instead of a punishment.

“Drink this,” Jace said but with command in his voice as he pressed a water bottle into Alec’s hand. Alec obeyed, his hand shaking slightly so Jace put his hand over his to hold it steady and help him drink.

Alec gave him a grateful smile. He wanted to tell Jace he was shaking from the emotional drain, from finally being free of the voices and not from any pain but somehow, looking into Jace’s eyes, he was certain he knew, he understood, and that meant so much to Alec.

He emptied the water without really knowing what he was doing but trusting Jace explicitly. Jace put the empty bottle on the floor next to them when Alec handed it to him and pulled him close to his chest in a manner that was both protective and possessive. Alec eagerly leaned into the touch, eager for more, wanting, needing, to feel him, to feel he was there.

For a few minutes they stayed like that, Alec’s head on Jace’s shoulder, wrapped in his embrace while Jace mumbled calming words of praise, telling him how good he was, how loved he was.

“Am I….forgiven?” Alec asked in a small voice, his cheeks wet with tears he hadn’t even realized he had shred as he clung to Jace as if for dear life. He was unsure why he had cried….the punishment hadn’t been very painful. Mostly it was just the emotional toil affecting him, his guilt, his desire to make this right….he felt airy and aloof, the darkness having been banished to the edge of his mind. 

Jace nodded, his eyes and expression soft. “Yes.”

“May I…” he asked hesitantly, with a hand indicating he wanted to put it on Jace’s cheek.

Jace nodded, too emotional to say much more than one word, “Always.”

Alec caressed his cheek lovingly and Jace’s expression softened, making Alec’s heart burst with joy.

“You did well, parabatai, very well,” Jace praised again before kissing his lips ever so softly.

“Thank you,” Alec said heartfelt, a lump in his throat, the praise making his heart swell in happiness.

Jace looked down at him, his hand still on his cheek as he added evenly, seeing in Alec’s eyes he needed something else now but was hesitant to ask.

“Now, tell me what you need,” Jace encouraged softly, evenly. 

“Anything you want to give me,” Alec replied quickly, eagerly, leaning into the touch.

Jace smiled a little at that but then questioned, “Anything specific?”

“Can I…” Alec asked hesitantly, looking down, blushing, feeling shy and uncertain. He had fucked up…he wasn’t good enough. Jace deserved better. All his insecurities were coming back in full force.

“Can you what?” Jace asked, his hand now cupping his chin, raising his face so he looked up at him again.

Alec wet sudden dry lips. “Please…can I feel you inside me?” He begged softly, blushing as he asked, his voice filled with need and desire. He wanted to feel he was loved, owned, needed, wanted....still good enough. He needed Jace for that. Needed to feel him inside, needed to feel him possess him in all possible ways of that word.

Jace gave him a piercing look. “Words, angel. Be specific. What do you want?” Jace’s voice was stronger now, more commanding, his hand on his chin firmer.

Alec eagerly leaned further into the strong touch, eager for more, eager to feel he wanted him, eager to feel him claim him as his again, make him feel worthy again.

“Please…please fuck me. Mark me up everywhere. I want to feel you still love me,” Alec begged, needing Jace to know what he wanted without having to go into further details.

“I do. I always do,” Jace assured him in a strong and firm tone.

“Please show me,” Alec pleaded. “I need to feel it, really feel it.”

Silently Alec was praying, hoping, begging, Jace to understand what he meant by that. He didn’t want him to treat him as if he was broken or fragile. He needed him to possess him; claim him. Show him he was desired and loved. 

Jace used the firm grip he had on his chin to turn his head so he could give him a searching look.

“Is that what you want? For me to claim you?” Jace questioned.

Alec would have nodded eagerly if not for Jace’s firm grip on his chin preventing the movement.

“Yes, please. Please use me. Show me that you care, that you love me, that you want me, please,” Alec begged as he turned around in his embrace and put his hands on Jace’s covered cock, looking in his face for permission. He was aware of how desperate he sounded but he didn’t care. He felt he might explode if he didn’t feel Jace inside, if Jace didn’t mark him, claim him, right now, show him he still wanted him, show he that he had forgiven him, really forgiven him. He needed this to feel the connection between them had been reestablished.

Jace didn’t have to be told twice and nodded. Alec eagerly released his cock from the trappings of his pants, already half-hard from this discussion. Alec bent down towards it as Jace let some of his possessiveness shine through, knowing it was precisely what Alec wanted, as he put a hand behind Alec’s head with a bruising grip and pushed him forcefully down on his cock, making him take him all the way down in one go. Alec braced himself on his knees as well as he could with his injured fingers, enthusiastically licking and sucking, eager to please, happy to have this single purpose, this one thing to focus on; to bring Jace pleasure.

“That’s it. So good for me,” Jace praised as he used his hand on Alec’s neck to fuck himself in and out of Alec’s warm mouth. 

The praise went straight to Alec’s heart and cock and he almost smiled though he still had tears on his cheeks from the emotionally draining scene he had just been through. The words made him feel like a stone had been lifted from his heart and he almost felt floaty. He intensified his efforts and his attention on Jace’s cock, never wanting it to end, enjoying the feeling of being wanted, of being used like this. His own arousal was forgotten in his need to please, to do this right. His head felt…lighter, less crowded, his mind, his world, focused only on the one task of giving pleasure. He was unaware he was so lost in his task that he was occasionally humming in pleasure around Jace’s cock, the vibrations making Jace moan softly in desire. 

“That’s enough,” Jace ordered roughly as he pulled Alec off with a hard yank in his hair, knowing he would come if Alec didn’t stop soon and Alec had wanted him to fuck him.

Alec looked up at him with a dazed look, spit running from the corners of his red and swollen lips but he looked more content, more at peace, than he had done all day.

“Stand up and go face the wall,” Jace ordered, not bothering to look if Alec was obeying, expecting him to. He went to Magnus’ desk to find what he was looking for in the top drawer; a bottle of lube.

When he turned back around he saw Alec was already by the wall and even better, he had stripped naked. Alec was facing the wall, his legs spread apart, looking ready and eager and very inviting. He didn’t turn around as Jace approached, knowing better than that, but Jace could tell from how his body reacted, tensing, Alec's breathing becoming quicker, that he could feel him as he drew nearer, making Alec's need and arousal increase and his cock harden even more than Jace could see it already was. 

“Oh…you really do look so pretty on display like this,” Jace smirked darkly as he reached him, his breath hot against Alec’s ear as he ran a finger over his right arm and shoulder, sending a shudder of anticipation and desire through Alec.

“…Thank you,” Alec got out, his breath coming in gasps, his voice raw and hoarse from the intense blowjob. Jace had not even touched him yet and he was already rock hard solely from imagining what Jace would do, how he would feel inside of him.

Jace poured a generous amount of lube into his right hand, dropping the bottle on the floor by his feet.

“Show me how much you want it,” Jace ordered as he without further warning pushed a single lubed finger all the way inside of him. 

“Please, I need to feel you,” Alec begged, eagerly pushing back on the finger, wanting to take it as deep as possible, enjoying the slight burn.

“Always so eager,” Jace teased hungrily but with clear love in his voice as he pulled the finger out only to push two all the way inside.

“Please, please fuck me. I need you,” Alec begged desperately, pushing back keenly, needing more than Jace’s fingers. 

Deciding Alec was as prepared as he wanted and needed to be Jace removed his fingers.

“Brace yourself against the wall,” Jace ordered, a warning in his voice as he picked up the bottle of lube and poured a generous amount on his hard cock. He briefly considered removing his pants entirely but didn’t have the patience for it.

Alec eagerly braced himself against the wall, placing his elbows against it instead of his palms due to his injured fingers. He had no sooner positioned himself as Jace pushed in with one fluid movement, bottoming out and burying himself inside his parabatai. Alec let out a loud scream of pleasure, wincing at the burn and loving the feeling. Jace took a firm grip on either of Alec’s hips, his fingers hard and bruising, digging in so deep they were drawing a little blood, leaving the marks Alec had asked for. He didn’t give Alec time to adjust before he pulled almost all the way out before slamming back in, the thrust filled with all the desire and need he could muster to give Alec the claim, the feeling of being his that he so desperately needed.

Jace started up a brutal rhythm, angling himself so he was hitting Alec’s prostate at every thrust, drawing a string of incoherent noises and moans from Alec at the intense pleasure, enjoying being taken, being filled, being dominated like this. Jace sucked and nibbled at Alec shoulders and neck to leave more marks, ensuring he left some on the side of his throat so Alec would be able to see them in the mirror the way he knew he loved to.

“Please, more, harder,” Alec begged, pushing back against Jace at each thrust, wanting to feel him even deeper, loving to feel how much Jace wanted him, wanting to feel him so deep inside himself he would not be able to separate where Jace ended and he started.

Jace took a bruising grip in his hair and pulled his head harshly so Alec was forced to look up at him. Jace’s eyes were shining golden; he was using his runes to thrust particularly deep and hard each time. The runes helped him look controlled and together and that combined with the fact that Alec noticed he was still dressed was something Alec hadn’t realized was such a huge turn-on for him.

“You are not in control here, parabatai,” Jace warned darkly.

“Sorry, I…Ahh!” Alec started to say but was cut short when Jace pushed particularly brutally and deeply into him, reducing him to a babbling mess of pleas, cries and moans of pleasure, forcing his whole body impossibly close to the wall, his chin touching the wall.

“Don’t. Ever. Do.That.Again,” Jace growled into his ear, using his hand in his hair for leverage as he punctuated each word with a brutal thrust that hit his prostate and had Alec screaming in pleasure and seeing stars.

“Please,” Alec begged, not sure what he was begging for, his voice sounding hoarse and ragged from the earlier intense face fucking combined with his continued screaming as Jace kept hitting just the right spot inside of him.

Alec’s legs were shaking, his body tight and wet with sweat. He was fighting to find something to hold onto but his hands were closing over air. 

“Do you hear me?” Jace demanded darkly, his eyes shining golden as he pulled harder on his hair.

“Yes, yes, please,” Alec rambled, losing all sense of reality; nothing seemed to exist but them, the feeling of Jace inside of him was everything that existed in the world.

“Fuck!” Alec yelled loudly when Jace pulled out only to slam back in with such force Alec had a mental image of being split in two and he moaned out loud in pleasure. It had just the right amount of power and burn to make Alec close to coming, feeling almost like he was floating, the world disappearing and with it all hints of his earlier fears and internal pain. It was perfect.

“Are you learning a lesson here, parabatai, or are you too far gone?” Jace’s voice in his ear, the pull in his hair tore Alec back from the edge. 

“I….I learned. I promise,” Alec sobbed, fighting to hang on, not to come as Jace thrust back into him with such force his whole body shook.

“Will you remember to come to us for help if this were to happen again then?” Jace asked, almost conversationally, moving his hand from Alec’s hair to lay around his neck, not pressing but just holding it there with enough strength Alec could feel it and it sent shockwaves of desire through his body.

“Yes, I want to….I want to be good,” Alec whispered hotly, fighting to find the words as Jace thrust back into him. Suddenly a look of panic crossed his face as he realized he couldn’t hold on much longer, Jace’s hand around his throat, his deep and fast thrusts, all the emotions of the day bobbling and boiling over…he was balancing on a knife’s edge, fighting not to tip over. “Please…I can’t….I’m close.”

“Then be a good boy for me and come for me. Show me how much you want me, how good you are for me,” Jace mumbled in his ear and squeezed slightly around Alec’s throat, just enough for him to feel the pressure and the power as he pulled out before slamming forcefully back in.

“Fuck, yes!” Alec cried as the combined sensations sent him over the edge without having to touch himself, the emotions of the day too draining for anything less. He came explosively all over himself and the wall, his brain flooded with endorphins. His legs gave way and it darkened before his eyes but he smiled and wasn’t afraid to fall down; Jace would catch him. 

Alec started to be able to see and sense again just as he heard Jace give a grunt of controlled desire as he trust deep inside him and came. Alec wanted to try and tighten his muscles around him to feel him more but his body wouldn’t react. For a moment he was surprised he was even still standing until he realized Jace had an arm around his waist and was holding him up and against him.

“This will sting a bit. Sorry,” Jace mumbled softly in his ear, kissing his neck tenderly as he slowly pulled out. Alec winced slightly at the pain as Jace pulled out before he eased him to the floor to get his hands free to put his cock back into his pants.

Alec felt oddly cold and abandoned when Jace let go of him but before he had time to protest or worry about it Jace was back, wrapping him in the blanket he had used earlier for his punishment, the blanket now being used to create a cocoon of fluffy softness around him and Alec smiled tiredly as he relished the feeling of being taken care of.

As Alec was coming down from his high he was also starting to feel his broken fingers and all the cuts and bruises he had left on himself – and the marks Jace had left on him, mainly on his hips, shoulders and around his neck but mostly how tender he felt from the hard fucking but he liked that ache. He felt embarrassed suddenly at feeling the pain and the marks he had left on himself. It seemed wrong somehow; like branding himself. He wanted to only wear Jace and Magnus’ marks on him from now on, knowing after today that he could let go. That they would take care of him, also with this.

“Only want you and Magnus,” Alec mumbled, trying to explain his thoughts, his voice sounding weak and tired even to his own ears. The day had been exhausting in every possible way and he finally felt at peace, content, boneless and spent.

Jace snorted in amusement as he looked down at Alec. He looked so adorable wrapped in the blanket.

“I think I fucked your brain away,” Jace commented with no small amount of pride and a hint of arrogance.

“I…” Alec was about to protest but when words failed he then said sheepishly, “Yeah.”

“Come. Magnus will take care of you,” Jace promised, his voice and touch tender now as he scooped Alec up and into his arms, the yellow glow in his eyes showing he was still using his runes.

Alec put his arms around his neck and laid his head by his shoulders, feeling safe and loved.

“Good. I want my Magnus,” he mumbled against Jace’s shoulder, fighting to stay awake. The day had been draining on so many levels and he now felt like he had run a marathon.

“You’re so cute when you’re out of it,” Jace said with a smile. When he reached the door to the living room it opened by itself to reveal Magnus standing, waiting, on the other side. His hand wave made it clear he had used magic to open it when he had heard them approach. 

“He seems calmer,” Magnus said relieved with a smile at Jace but his eyes were on Alec in his arms as Jace went into the living room with him.

“Magnus!” Alec exclaimed happily, his voice hoarse from the earlier blowjob but above all it held an almost whiny, needy tone but he didn’t care. He lifted his head from Jace’s shoulder and reached out his arms at him.

“Hello, darling,” Magnus said tenderly, lovingly and stroked his cheek with one hand while taking one of his hands gently to his lips, mindful to avoid the broken fingers, kissing the skin adoringly.

“Let’s get you taken care of,” Magnus said as he released his hold on Alec to move his arms over Alec’s fingers and hands and then continued over his arms and torso. Alec drew a relieved breath when his broken fingers healed and the cuts and bruises he had left on his arms did the same.

“Leave Jace’s marks and yours from yesterday. I like them,” Alec said quietly with a blush and Jace laughed.

“Isn’t he just perfect?” Jace almost purred, tightening his arms around his precious bundle.

“Indeed,” Magnus agreed with a smile. He turned his attention back to Alec and softly kissed his lips, making Alec close his eyes and moan in pleasure. Magnus pulled back with a soft smile and snapped his fingers, “All healed now, except our marks, darling and cleaned up,” He paused and looked at Jace, “cleaned you up to.”

Jace nodded his head in thanks, having felt the magic as Magnus had done so.

Magnus did a hand movement and conjured up a glass of water. He held it to Alec’s lips. “Drink,” he ordered but his voice was tender. Alec did so and the glass was soon empty. With a hand movement Magnus made it disappear again.

“Thank you,” Alec said softly, his voice slightly less hoarse. Then he tipped his head to look up at Jace. “Thank you too.”

Alec wanted to say his thanks was for everything they had done for him today but from the look in his boyfriends’ eyes Alec knew he didn’t have to say it. They knew what he meant.

“You’re welcome, darling. We will always take care of you,” Magnus replied for them both before kissing Alec tenderly again.

“Let’s get you settled,” Jace said as he walked to the sofa where Magnus had arranged pillows and blankets to make it comfortable for all three of them. He put Alec down on it so carefully as if he was made of glass, the glow fading from his eyes as Jace stopped using his runes. When Jace let go of him and pulled back Alec gave him a worried look, biting his lower lip for a second before remembering not to and stopped.

“Please…don’t go,” Alec begged, looking up at him through lowered lashes, his voice small and destitute. 

“I won’t ever do that, parabatai,” Jace promised strongly as he sat on the sofa next to Alec’s feet, making Alec smile happily when he was back with him. Jace lifted his blanket covered feet and put them in his lap, putting a possessive and protective arm over his legs.

“I love you,” Jace promised, reaching over to kiss him.

When Jace pulled back Alec gave him a worried look. “Are you still mad at me?” he asked in a small voice.

Jace shook his head. “No, parabatai, no,” he said softly but firmly.

Magnus had come over and sat by Alec’s head, lifting him up so Alec’s head was now lying in his lap.

“Magnus…are you still mad at me?” Alec asked worried, looking at him.

Magnus shook his head. “No, darling,” the Warlock reassured him, stroking his cheek before kissing him tenderly.

“And…you love me?” Alec asked in a small voice, looking down for a moment when Magnus drew back from the kiss to better look at him.

“Always. You own my heart. You are everything to me,” Magnus swore, his voice and eyes filled with such love and dedication it took Alec’s breath away and made tears prick at the edges of his eyes.

“I am sorry I failed you,” Alec said miserably, giving Magnus a sad look. “Both of you,” he added, casting a look back at Jace who made a dismissive hand gesture to indicate it was over, dealt with.

“Shhh,” Magnus cooed. “You can never fail us. You’re forgiven. It’s already forgotten.”

Alec smiled happily, the certainly in Jace’s eyes, the certainty in Magnus’ voice, the love in their eyes, was all the reassurance he needed. He had fucked up, been punished and been forgiven. He could move on, they could move on. He could let it go.

“I love you,” Alec said warmly, tenderly as he smiled up at Magnus who smiled back. “Both of you,” he said, his eyes finding Jace’s. “I love both of you so much.”

“We love you too, Alexander,” Magnus said softly, stroking his hair. “Now, go to sleep, darling. Let go. We’ve got you.”

Alec nodded, smiling happily, his eyes already feeling heavy. Magnus’ hand on his cheek held a light magical glow as he softly helped chase away the remaining shadows from his mind and he fell into a peaceful slumber, his eyes closing, his lips curved in a smile, finally content, happy and at peace.

Magnus looked down at Alec for a few moments more, stroking his cheek lovingly. Then he looked over at Jace. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m…surprisingly good, actually,” Jace admitted, having thought about his answer for a few seconds.

“Hmm, I thought you might,” Magnus said with that edge of knowledge and wisdom Jace had come to expect from him by now.

“It felt good, finally being able to do something about this. I have seen him hurt himself so many times, in so many imaginative ways over the years and been unable to do anything. Sure, I voiced my concern but he never reacted to it. He never believed me,” Jace looked down at Alec lovingly. “Finally, today, I felt he did believe me and I think he will think of coming to one of us first, before doing something like this again.”

Magnus nodded in agreement.

“You did well too,” Magnus said with a smile and leant towards him, Jace leaning towards him too so their lips could meet in an affectionate kiss.

“So, let’s take care of you then. Hungry?” Magnus asked when they drew apart.

Jace nodded. “Starving.” He looked down at the sleeping Alec who laid across them, snuggling them both close, a happy smile on his lips. “But we shouldn’t leave him.”

“I’m a Warlock, dear. We don’t need to move,” Magnus reminded him with a gleam in his eyes. With a flick of his wrist, a club sandwich appeared in Jace’s free hand; his favorite.

“Thank you,” Jace said with a smile, still amazed when Magnus used magic even after seeing it so many times before.

Magnus just nodded, having eaten earlier. With a hand movement he made the gramophone start playing softly, a 1920s female jazz singer filled the room. Magnus shifted slightly to get more comfortable with Alec’s head cushioned in his lap as he with a grin made a cocktail and a book appear on the table next to him. With a satisfied smile, he took a sip of his drink before picking up the book, holding it up with one hand, turning pages with magic so he could keep one hand on Alec’s head, stroking his hair absentmindedly, tenderly.

“Any chance you could turn on the TV for me and give me a drink too?” Jace asked hopefully when he had finished eating.

“Of course. Here,” Magnus responded and Jace found he had a glass of whiskey in his right hand. The TV came alive, restarting an action movie he had paused a few nights ago.

“Don’t you…” Jace started to ask, wondering if not the noise was disturbing Magnus’ music as he could no longer hear it and thus his reading or might wake up Alec but looking from one to the other neither of them seemed to notice the loud explosion that had just taken place on screen. Magnus seemed to sense he was being watched and looked up from his book to look a Jace.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. When I made the TV turn on I ensured only you can see and hear it.”

“That’s…impressive,” Jace admitted in awe. Sometimes he forgot just how powerful Magnus was; his powers were always so tightly controlled.

“I aim to please,” Magnus said with a smile and false modesty.

“Well, you always do,” Jace said honestly and Magnus grinned happily at the compliment.

They settled and the evening went by quickly. The darkness, hurt and worry from earlier was forgotten for all three of them. They had arrived at a place of understanding, peace, love and happiness, feeling content, safe and valued. They had faced the darkness and come out of it stronger and better. 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an intense fic for me personally.  
> I promise the next one in the series will be more fluffy porn to make up for it. ;)  
> Hope you all enjoyed it all the same. Feedback means the world to me


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